He holds a memory
by Asradiantasthesun
Summary: And in his arms is the bleeding/love of his life/and she cries/ the sharp knife of Clary Morgenstern's short life/after CoHF, character's death


Hello. I hope you'll like my story. I don't know why it's a tragedy ( again!). I blame it all on Cassandra Clare's snippets of CoHF. I'm quite sure that this book will be really painful. Uh. Anyway, hope you'll enjoy. Please, **review.** And if you find any mistakes ( and it will be a lot of them for sure), please, remeber I'm not a native speaker.

Listen to the Kiss it all better by He is We, if you want.

* * *

He doesn't have a lot of memories. He doesn't, because she was just like a meteor, a shooting star- she appeared unexpected, beautiful and blinding and then she burned herself, disappeared and never came back.

He doesn't have a lot… But he has some and he keeps holding on to them cause they often seem like the one and only thing that keeps him alive.

He remembers her freckles, shadows of shadows, her snarky comments and vivid imagination. How she danced with the death and plotted with devils and angels and balanced on the edge and how she tore him from death's arms more than once or twice and in more than one way.

How brave she was. Insanely brave, without any reason or even a slightest sign of hesitation. True Shadowhunter, born to be a Shadowhunter and a Shadowhunter at heart. He remembers the look of her face when she was creating a rune, the look of her face when she first sow Institute, the look of her face and how her eyes opened wide when he told her about his love for the first time.

All these words, beautiful words with deep meaning, declarations and oaths.

He remembers her flame; her flame that made her so remarkable, the flame of her hair, the flame in her eyes, her flaming anger and flaming passion.

How strong and beautiful she was, how extraordinary and how completely unaware of that and how lucky he was, being loved by her, even for such a short time. Painfully short.

He often wonders how he's blessed and cursed at the same time; he met the star-crossed love of his life and lost her and now he loses this few, precious memories of her every day, just like children lose their first teeth.

As times go by, seasons change and he loses her, one memory and another.

However, there are some things he is sure he'll never forget.

When he saw her in Pandemonium that summer- that awful and beautiful summer. The midnight flower. Her face when they were sitting at Taki's and he said he only wants to be her brother from the on. How she was the first thing he saw after being brought back from death. Their first time together.

**And goodbye.**

* * *

-Stay with me.

-Not going anywhere.

She is warm in his arms and he holds her tightly, trying to make her stay here, with him, trying to stop her from slipping out from this world. His hands are covered in scarlet, just like her torn top, her chest, her hair and even her face. She has a shallow breath and she cries without sobbing; just few tears running down her cheeks..

-Jace.- her voice, but it doesn't sound like her voice; it's quiet and broken and so un-Clary like- Jace.

-What, love?- he asks her, trying not to cry himself; cry not from sadness, sadness will come later, but from despair and frustration and hatred.

She touches his face and he grabs her hand and kisses it and she gives him a weak smile in return:

-Jace, I'm so not ready to go.

-You're not- he holds her even tighter, without even thinking about it- going anywhere. You stay.

- Jace-

-You stay here, with me. – something is clutching his chest, he finds it hard to breath and words are flowing out of his mouth in never ending stream.- You stay and then you turn twenty and l ask you to marry me in this silly mundane way and we have a big wedding and you are wearing this golden dress and l look at you with awe written on my face and we hunt and live and love and sleep with each other and wake up in each other's arms and we have five children and each one of them is as amazing as you and we die in our sleep when we are really old and tired and you are no living like that, not now, not here, no-

- Jace.- she cries.- Jace, kiss it all better.

She shakes and sobs and for the first time ever he sees her terrified.

There is a silence for a while, the silence between them and around them, like whole world is waiting for something. When he speaks up, he doesn't recognize his own voice. It's haunted.

-Please, don't leave me.

-I love you.- she whispers.- I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I'll never stop.

-Please

-Don't ask me.- she closes her eyes.- For a thing I cannot give to you, it's cruel.

-How am I supposed to live, when you're- he can't say this, he isn't able to end this sentence.

-Just live. Live and love and, oh- she gasps when pain bits her- and remember I love you. Tell mum and Luke and Simon I love them. Never leave Alec and Izzy, I won't leave you. I won't. – hot tears are running down her cheeks, cleaning her face from blood and dirt and her voice is weak but she keeps on taking.- I love you. It's not your fault, I love you.

He kisses her- it's a rough kiss and in this kiss he just wants to tell her everything he isn't able to communicate otherwise- how deeply he loves her, how badly he wants her to stay. Her lips are cold and wet and she kisses him too and for a moment; just a moment, a brief second; he believes they will be found and they'll find a way to save her and-

But she leaves. Just like that.

She slips from this world quietly, without any noise. And maybe any other person wouldn't recognize it- this exact moment in which broken body in his arms stops being Clary- but he does.

She leaves and he's the one to say ave atque vale to her and then sit on the cold ground with her cold body and wait until they are found. He is frozen, unable to move, with closed eyes and he cries.

She wasn't ready to go.

He wasn't ready to let her.

* * *

He stands on the roof of the Institute. He is so much older now; despite his recklessness, his undying desire to die, he still lives. What a punishment, what a cruel punishment, why?

So many people are dead. So many loved ones. And the man who killed his Clary is long dead too, his bones burned to ashes and carried away by the wind.

So many things changed. He watches New York, the city which never sleeps, her city. He watches The Statue of Liberty, people and cars and skyscrapers and dying sun, which bleeds out on the sky and stars which slowly appear on it, one by one. He wonders if she's one of them.

He thinks about Isabelle and Simon, Alec and Magnus, Clary's mum and Luke, Maryse and Robert and Sebastian. He thinks about himself.

He's a men now. He's not the boy who held the bleeding love of his life in his shaking arms anymore. Bu the's still hers. And she's still his; she managed to fulfill her last promise, her oath. She never really left him.

Maybe he's that boy after all. The only difference is that once upon a time he held a body. Now, he holds just a memory.


End file.
